Feature: Overweight jokes are as easy as Pie

I've always been somewhat of a fan of Adele ever since she released her debut album 19 back in 2009. She wasn't and will never be my cup of tea but I have always admired the fact she seemed to embrace the idea of well... writing and performing her own music. Also the fact she was unconventionally chubby was a plus because looks are at least 99% of their appeal.

So in the last year she has become the vocal point of British pop music which was evident at this years annual Brit awards as she scooped two awards and a couple of Grammies, not to mention the countless number of weeks her album "21" was in the charts and the amount of times you would hear "Never mind I'll find someone like yuuuuuuu" on every single motherlicking commercialised radio station in these British isles.  This isn't a Biography on Adele but merely as observation but I digress to my original point, which was that I practically admired her even from her transition from relatively unknown to superstar.

So this past Tuesday at The Brits, on she comes to accept her second award of the night and bam she is interrupted by James Cordon as he informs her that they are "running out of time". So off we cut to Blur who won the achievement award.

Needless to say this has caused an uproar within the British Media and social media. Many claim "It was a disgrace that Adele was cut off". Many go as far as to say that Blur aren't as "good" as Adele and should never have been given the award. On the other side of the fence there is the fact that Blur have been around since the 90s and hell yeah they should cut into Adele's speech because she is "a fat bitch"

Merely observing everybody's reaction has been somewhat of a fun experience for me. There are those who have biased opinions, those who have mixed opinions and then there are those who have no clue what they are talking about. It was a fun experience because people got so irate over the situation and it wasn't necessary.

Here is a  fact for you,  Adele had won an award, didn't really need a second acceptance speech, don't disregard this. ITV could have prolonged the programming, simple resolution no? How about if we weren't made to sit through One Direction's scripted interview? "We did this for the fans"..Of course you did fellas! Not for your bank balance, no way.

For me all of the above were valid points. I would also point out that there were an overbearing amount of advertisements throughout the broadcast. Two of which, possibly more included Adele! So if we had less of that then perhaps Adele may not have been cut off in such a manner. If you look at it this way though, Adele has had a helluva lot of airtime in the past year, compare this to Blur's and well.. you can't because its unfathomable.

I liked the way Adele handled it though. Sticking two fingers up towards the stage is the perfect way for adults to behave. Which sounds sarcastic but actually it is the norm in today's standards. What is unsettling is the amount of kids who listen to her music who now will believe that it was a perfectly valid way to express themselves. At this point, I admire her to a lesser extent, and it isn't because she is overweight.

Blur were brilliant though after this little mishap. I felt like Damon Alburn's vocals were a little ropey which was something many others picked up on but overall it was a fantastic performance. Song 2 gave me goosebumps and when they brought Phil Daniels on stage to perform Parklife I was almost close to having a seizure. The giant Kebab aside the performance wasn't exceptional, it was simply standard Blur and they raised the bar. Its just a shame nobody else will attempt to reach it.

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Apples and pears and other such variations of fruits.

Music:

Noel Gallagher says “NME are searching through my wheelie bins”. You just can’t keep the Manchster genius of rock from commenting on things irrelevant to what he is doing, same deal for his brother too. Why can’t Liam Gallagher just enjoy retirement? Just find a little cottage and sing some John Lennon songs, without releasing them as his own work.

The upsetting factor here is that I am somewhat of a fan of the Gallaghers’ but gee whizz do they rustle my jimmies. They are in a different world than all the celebrity folk you hear about in women’s magazines but if you look at the context of what they are saying here you’d realise it’s nothing more than idol gossip.

I know I’m not the only one but why is Chris Brown still in the chart music industry? And why do his fans continue to justify him when obviously he clearly destroyed Rihanna’s face?

Football:

I only ever talk about Football. All other sports are alien to me. I tried watching American Football but it was like watching Rugby on Meth in the middle of Soho. Then Madonna came out and nearly burst through my screen with her veins, and I don’t even have a 3D TV.

What I do know is Football but what I don’t know is how Arsene Wenger is in a job. 7 years without a trophy is perfectly valid… if you’re the manager of Yeovil. However, a multi-millionaire club and one of the biggest franchises in European football is not the ideal platform to not perform. He was a very successful manager however some bad decisions concerning transfers have cost him dearly. He failed to replace Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri with anybody in that calibre and oh deary me has it cost him, but its okay cause there is always next year right? Wrong! If this was Chelsea or Liverpool there is no way this would happen, the manager concerned would have been sacked quicker than you can say “We’re a subpar Football team”

People say “You have to feel sorry for Arsenal fans!” Well actually, you don’t when you’re a Newcastle fan so let’s talk about how unfair life is when you’re relegated and knocked out of the FA Cup by Stevenage and Brighton in two respective seasons. Now, Arsenal fans are being criticised for openly jeering their one time great manager disregarding the fact they pay a hefty sum to get into the Emirates just to watch Robin Van Persie do all the work.  People have been fired for much less, boot out Arsene before the situation deteriorates would be my advice but its actually funny to see the decline of a once great Football club.

Speaking of Newcastle, aren’t we doing great this year?

Film:

I need to watch Girl with the Dragon Tattoo when it is released on DVD. I have pretty much fell in love with Rooney Mara and you know its true love when you are still infatuated with the sheer image of her as a burly man hating fuck-nut. I may have to read the books prior to watching the film but the book the book would mean I would have to use my imagination, which is something I’m already doing.

I have purchased the following DVD’s:

·         The Village

·         The Holy Grail

·         Apocalypse now

·         Deer Hunter

·         Panic Room

And they had best be good because they cost me the best part of a tenner but they all seem like interesting films. I purchased The Village only because it has John Hurt in it and also the fact it cost me a pound.

 I also sat down and watched Monster last night which if you didn’t know, is the film about female serial killer Aileen Wuornos played by Charlize Theron . It was a fantastic film to watch when you’re bored, possibly not one you would show on a date or if you are trying to impress anyone but I digress, it shocked me and of course there is always that kicker “Based on true events”. It adds that extra spice to any film and essentially it worked in respect to Monster.

Books:

I’m currently reading “Misery” by Stephen King at this point in time and it is also worth a read. The book is about a writer who is involved in a car crash and is saved by a rather unbalanced former nurse who literally tortures the poor bloke and manipulates him into writing a dead character back into one of his novels. What amazes me about this film is how in depth Stephen King can be about a woman who is clearly fucked in the head and how she deals with this cripple who is not even able to urinate in his own free will. I can’t wait to get this out of the way to watch the film.

TV:

I hardly watch Television but I was made to watch Jeremy Kyle in America yesterday and it too amazed me. Whenever I witness one of the American chat shows like Maury or Dr.Phil I had always thought that they were set up, pantomime as it were but it seems like that’s not the case at all.

A lot of Americans are clearly just idiots, which is something I know a lot of people conclude with in regards to our “cousins across the pond” as they put it but yes I’m here to confirm they are just complete Goons.  Jeremy Kyle proves this because essentially he is somewhat of a moron too but you always get the sense that he is genuine in his work and the people who appear on the show are exactly the same as they are on other chat shows. Loud, moronic and eccentric in general and with this in mind I highly doubt a trip to America will be on the cards anytime soon, not that they all act like that.

This also doesn’t rule out that most people who appear on the English version of Jeremy Kyle aren’t complete cretins either.  And cretins is not a word I use enough but the world is perfectly adequate to describe these people who carelessly crawl out of the sewer just to bitch about their relationships in front of 9 million people.

In General:

Why does everybody wear Chinos now? It’s like the world is consumed by indie kids but they are not indie kids.

Why am I seeing Paul’s boutique employees everywhere? That brand seems to be a big hit with 13 year old girls but none of them seem to realise its actually Spanish for “A whale’s vagina”.

Adverts persist on featuring slow versions of pop songs. Is it just me who is realising this?

You can call it a comeback but a lot of people are tweeting in the 3^rd person. This was something I believed to be extinct like the Dodo, Arsenal’s title dreams and other various things that cease to exist.

Quote of the times - "You're a Jerk!" - Tom Cruise 

I hope this has been a learning experience for you.  I will be posting more things when I get the time, in the mean time why not treat yourself to a meal sandwich which is a sandwich I invented which consists of Beans, Chips and a Cumberland sausage in a white crusty roll.

Follow me on Twitterroo - @Citizen_Kelbel